After The Fact
by TheFiveAvengers
Summary: She hasn't seen him in years. He's supposed to be in love with someone else. When Helga and Arnold end up at the same university, they can't help but be drawn to one-another.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**  
Friends, Romans, countrymen... Hiya!  
This is a fanfic that I started about six years ago, long before TJM was a reality. I recently found my old notebook and decided that this was a story I wanted to tell, even though it no longer fits with canon.  
For this reason: AU where TJM never happened. Enjoy!

 **Content Warning** :  
This fanfic contains adult themes and content, including but not limited to drug use, alcohol use, swear words, sexual themes.

—-

Arnold awoke, drenched in a cold sweat, the scent of rosewater and passion lingering on the edge of his consciousness. Every time he closed his eyes he saw in vivid detail the same scene, and when he opened them it was gone, stealing like mist from his awareness.  
He remembered the smell, sweet and salty and hot on his nostrils. He remembered a wind, cool and wet, running its long, willowy fingers through his hair. He remembered soft lips, urgent against his own. Those lips were not Lila's.  
He glanced down at his girlfriend, her two neat braids lying flat against the blanket, her back straight against the lumpy earth. She could not be further from the frantic, impassioned girl of his recurring dreams. He had tried, at first, to believe it could be her, but with his heart pounding and splintering, he could honestly say that this mystery girl gave him an adrenaline rush that Lila never had. He sighed, burying his face in her hair, the scent of lilacs weaving between the russet strands.  
Arnold untangled himself from Lila and stood, stepping gingerly from the quilt to the cold, dewy grass. He fished his phone from his pocket and checked the time:  
10:43  
Time to go; Lila's curfew was at eleven and the last thing he wanted was to upset her well-intentioned, over-zealous father. He cupped her shoulder and shook her gently, her full auburn lashes fluttering as she was roused from her impossibly graceful slumber.  
"Whatever is the matter, Arnold?" she slurred drearily, sitting up and fixing her sea-green gaze on him. He flashed his phone at her. She winced away from the light, pushing herself from the ground and bundling up their blanket.  
They climbed sleepily into his tiny blue car, the dashboard lighting up as the Chevrolet Aveo sputtered to life. The drive to her house was silent, the air thick with things they'd never said.  
Exactly seven years ago, at Helga Pataki's goodbye party, Lila had spun a Yahoo! soda bottle which had, inexplicably, rumbled to a halt with its open top less than an inch from the soft denim of Arnold's pant leg. And so, in honor of their seven-year anniversary, as well as the end of their last summer together before university, he had set up a picnic in the park on the quilt she'd made him for his sixteenth birthday two years ago. They were the perfect couple; there was no doubt in anyone's mind that, after a springtime wedding, Arnold and Lila would parent a brood of nauseatingly sweet, beautiful children. Their relationship was comfortable, expected. Between the cuddling and the chaste kisses, Arnold wondered if maybe what they had was not, in fact, love.  
This was the idea that plagued Arnold's thoughts as he lay in bed that night, his heart sinking. After what felt like a millisecond of sleep, a millisecond occupied by the same frenzied blonde as before, Arnold was forced out of bed by his cell phone's alarm, the harsh ringing grating against his eardrums. He fumbled in the dark, flinching away from the white light emanating from the screen. He half-wished he hadn't already packed away his potato alarm clock as he brushed his teeth and pulled on a pair of jeans and his usual red flannel.  
It was a long drive to the airport. He and Lila held hands in the backseat of the old Packard, stone-faced and afraid, while Phil and Gertie braved the rainy, stand-still freeway with a CD of showtunes and their windshield wipers on high. After tear-filled goodbyes, promises to visit, and a tight-lipped kiss from Lila, Arnold scurried through security and boarded.

—-

The glass was smooth against her mouth, and the air reeked of marijuana. She inhaled, feeling the hot, damp smoke spreading through her limbs, making her light as air. No. Lighter. So light that if she wanted, she could stand up and float far away from this place. And Helga wanted, very badly.  
She passed the bong to Zeke, who took a puff and smiled at her, his eyes already glazed over. She sighed and turned from him, checking her watch.  
It had been seven years exactly since Arnold had given her that watch; the memory had long since ingrained itself into the backs of her eyelids. Everyone had drifted out of the house and out of Helga's life, the balloons floating lazily to the ground as her last day in town neared its close. Standing barefoot on her stoop, she caught the strong smell of lemon shampoo as a breeze ruffled Arnold's sun-drenched tufts of hair. She still remembered his smile when he gave it to her, lamenting the length of the wristband. She'd wanted to kiss him, recite poetry for him, something, but with a hug and a wave he was gone, his oblong head silhouetted against the angry orange sunset.  
Helga was pulled from her reminiscing by a hand on her bare thigh. She glanced up, meeting Zeke's clumsy hazel eyes briefly before he slid his tongue into her mouth. As his hand snaked under her blouse, she closed her eyes, imagined the smell of lemons, and kissed him back full force.

Helga stumbled into the two-bedroom apartment a little after midnight. Miriam, watching Jeopardy with a bottle of gin, didn't comment on the disheveled hair, the bloodshot eyes, or the lace panties peeking out of her daughter's purse. She merely muttered that they had a big day tomorrow, turned off the TV, and fell asleep curled in a ball on the couch, cradling her liquor against her face.  
The university was a six hour drive from Los Angeles, six hours she was determined to drive alone. She tumbled out of bed at five in the morning, showered and dressed as quietly as possible, and slid into the leather driver's seat of her powder pink Yaris, leaving only a note behind.  
Miriam,  
Thanks for the food. See you at Thanksgiving.  
Love,  
Helga  
The six hours went quickly, with a British Invasion playlist and the air conditioner running on high. By the time she checked in and pulled into the parking lot, the sun was high in the sky and there wasn't a cloud in sight. Helga unloaded the few things she had with her and tossed them unceremoniously into a red cart from the front desk before venturing up to room 323B.

—-  
When Arnold left the airport, the first thing he noticed was the sweltering heat. It wasn't the mildly uncomfortable late-summer humidity that he'd grown accustomed to. This was a dry heat that grasped hungrily at his skin, threatening to pull every drop of moisture from his body. He already felt himself slouch and sag beneath the weight of the sun's rays bearing down on him. He hailed a taxi faster than he'd ever done anything in his life and climbed into the heavily air-conditioned backseat. He could have sworn at that moment that every bead of sweat on his skin instantly froze.  
"Where to, kid?"  
His cab driver was an older gentleman with weathered skin and a startlingly shiny bald spot. His aloe-green polo was stretched taut against his portly belly and his sunglasses rested on the pinkest cheeks Arnold had ever seen.  
"Uh…I'm going to college… er, the dorms, please..."  
"Oh, fresh meat, eh? You like parties, kid?"  
Arnold shrugged as the man pulled away from the curb.  
"Not especially."  
"Your tune is about to change. The kids there sure have fun. I'm sure you'll loosen up in no time."  
The driver's laugh sounded like it may have been pleasant a few thousand cigarettes ago. The rest of the ride passed relatively uneventfully, with the driver amiably pointing out local landmarks like "the cheapest tacos in town" and "the drive-thru liquor store that doesn't always ID".  
Arnold settled into his dorm with ease and, after a brief introduction to his mousy new roommate and a quick wardrobe change, decided to wander the campus on his own. He found his way to a section of old, timeworn school buildings that seemed more or less deserted; most of the students he'd seen on the way were swarming around the dining centers or the student union, socializing with old friends or taking part in the variety of ice-breakers that the school had put together. Several large signs boasting a "Back-To-School Rave" were scattered throughout the campus, but this area seemed untouched. His feet led him down random pathways, crissing and crossing and doubling back until he spotted a small set of stairs ending in an archway that seemed to lead under a squat grey stone building. Through the archway he found a small garden, the brightest patch of green that he'd seen since he arrived. A few people were scattered across the courtyard; a young couple was canoodling under a sago palm, a lanky upperclassman was splayed out on the grass reading Tolstoy, a blonde girl was writing furiously in a little pink notebook, and a small group of girls were comparing tattoos in the corner.  
He smiled and started towards a vacant bench, but his gaze was drawn back to the blonde girl. Something about her made his heart race, and he felt as though he'd met her before. He went to her, his palms sweating.  
"You're blocking my sun, asshole."  
She didn't even look up, her pencil continuing its rampage against the smudged paper.  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought… well, I guess I was just wondering…"  
"Spit it out, I don't have all day."  
She lifted her bowed head, her blue eyes narrowed. As they locked eyes, they both gasped.  
"Helga Pataki?"  
"Arnold? What're you— I mean— do you— you look— I mean— can I help you?"  
"Helga! It's so good to see you! You look so different. I mean, good different. I like your new uh… eyebrows…"  
Before he could finish his thought she was on her feet, her arms locked around his neck in the tightest hug he'd had in a long time.  
"It's really good to see you."  
"You too, Helga. Wanna go for a walk?"

—-

Both new to campus, they let their feet lead them down strange streets and more than a few dead ends. They made small talk; Helga learned all about how their old classmates were doing, Arnold learned about the best food trucks in LA. They covered all the usual small-talk bases and eventually ran out of small things to talk about.  
"So, Football Head. The only person you haven't told me about is you. How have the years been treating you?"  
Arnold couldn't hide a smile at his old nickname.  
"Well, my head shape hasn't changed, so lucky for you you don't have to think of a new insult."  
"Insult? Please. It's a term of endearment."  
Arnold laughed.  
"I'm doing pretty well. I have no complaints."  
"Any special ladies in your life, Arnoldo?"  
Right to the point. There never was any beating around the bush with Helga, and any notion that the years may have changed that was swiftly dashed.  
"Well, I guess it depends how you define special."  
"Spit it out, Arnold."  
"Lila and I have been dating."  
"Oh."  
"For seven years now."  
"Well that's… that's really great. I know how much you 'like-her-like-her'."  
Arnold knew better than to laugh at her little joke. Her sarcasm couldn't hide the hurt behind her eyes.  
"Hey, remember your going away party?"  
Helga smiled weakly and lifted her right sleeve.  
"I do. I still wear that watch you gave me."  
"Remember when Rhonda suggested Spin-The-Bottle and you stormed off into the kitchen because you didn't want to play?"  
"I forgot about that! Leave it to Rhonda to hijack my party."  
"Yeah… well, Lila got me, so… that was it…"  
"Oh. Well, leave it to you assholes to hijack my party too, then."  
"Helga, it's been a while but I still know how to tell when you're upset."  
"Upset? Me? Why would I be upset? No, I hope you're really truly happy. I hope you have billions of chubby smelly babies and a house in the 'burbs. Really. Enjoy. Have a good one. I have to go shampoo my hair."  
Arnold grabbed her wrist.  
"Helga, wait."  
"What?"  
The truth is that he had acted without thinking and truly had nothing of consequence to say to her. He only knew that he didn't want her to leave. There was something about the way she made him feel that he wasn't ready to let go of.  
"Well uh… you never told me about you! Anyone special in your life?"  
"You know me, Arnold. Never get too attached. Just a string of decidedly un-special guys to waste my time with. Can I go now?"  
"Not yet. Tell me more. How's your mom? Do you talk to your dad?"  
"Arnold, why are you doing this?"  
"Just please don't go. Please, stay with me a little longer."  
Helga sighed. Her heart betrayed her with its violent pounding. Even though she knew he was with Lila, she couldn't deny the way she still felt about him after all these years.  
"Na, I don't talk to Bob much anymore. He sends me a Christmas or birthday present every couple of years, y'know, if he remembers. Miriam's doing well. Still hitting the bottle but she makes pretty good money working for one of those hotlines for lonely dudes and she funds all my bad habits, so I can't complain. We mostly stay out of each other's way but she does what she can."  
"Well that's… good… how's Olga doing?"  
"Olga? Olga. Perfect Olga. She's fine, I guess. If you like being married to a millionaire tech guy living in a mansion with three kids. Y'know. If you're into that sort of thing."  
Arnold laughed, relieved. Things were finally back on track. He didn't know what he was doing here with Helga G. Pataki, walking so close their arms kept bumping and he could smell her shampoo. He didn't know what his intentions were when he lifted her up onto a stone wall, holding her hand for balance as she tiptoed across and jabbered on about how excited she was for her upcoming creative writing class. He didn't have any plans when he helped her down with his hands on her waist, holding her just a bit too long and looking just a bit too deeply into her eyes before lowering her back onto solid ground. And he certainly didn't have any ulterior motives when he pulled her closer and kissed her, just once, so gently that she thought she may have imagined it. He pulled away, his hands finding the sides of her face, his eyes hungry for the sight of her, then let the smell of roses wash over him as she pressed her lips against his.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Since I last saw you I started a new full time job and my laptop died on me. Eep! So sorry for the delay. Enjoy chapter 2, as typed on my iPad.

"We've been here before."

"Begging your pardon, Football Head, but I've literally never been here before in my entire life."

He paused to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"No, I mean… kissing you. It's so familiar."

"You must be talking about the billions of times I came up with zany, elaborate, convoluted schemes to kiss you when we were kids."

A smile tugged at the corners of Arnold's mouth.

"Well that too, but… without realizing it, I think I've been dreaming about kissing you for years, Helga."

Their eyes met and her heart leapt into her throat. Her defenses fell as she turned away from him.

"M-me? Why me?" she cleared her throat and turned away, "Was there something about billy-goat ears and a caterpillar eyebrow that appealed to you, Arnoldo?"

He cupped her cheek, turning her towards him again.

"I've always admired you, Helga. I—"

He was cut off by the sound of his cell phone ringing from his pocket. He wrestled it free from the stiff denim and looked at the screen.

"LILA LOVE BUG" the caller ID read, with a picture of Lila glowing brightly on the screen. He glanced up at Helga, realizing that she'd seen it and was scowling her patented Helga G. Pataki scowl. He hurriedly answered it.

"Hello- yes, yup, I'm all settled- yeah, I- yeah, he's pretty nice, listen Lila I'm kinda in the middle of- oh, that's so nice, yeah I'm glad that worked out- okay, yeah I- yeah, listen I really have to talk to you about something kind of importa- oh, you are? Oh, yeah no, it's nothing, you have fun- yeah, uh-huh, just- okay, tell Rhonda I said hi…"

By the time he hung up the phone, Helga was gone.

"That stupid, good-for-nothing, pea-brained, two-timing Football Head!"

Helga kicked the frame of her lofted bed with all her might and then collapsed in a howl of pain, her bare foot no match for the cold metal. Her roommate sat in bed on the opposite side of the room, eyeing her warily over a very well-loved copy of Jane Eyre.

"So I just have to ask, when you say 'Football Head' do you mean he literally has a football for a head? Like was there some horrific transplanting incident?"

Helga glared over her shoulder at her new frenemy. She was every bit the ugly leading lady type, with dark, round eyes and a nose as big as a toucan's beak.

"You're not funny, Sal."

"Look, Helga. Can I speak plainly? I just watched you change your bra so I feel like I can. I think we're there, right? We've reached this point in our relationship?"

Helga rolled her eyes.

"Go on."

"It sounds like this guy is an opportunist, right? It sounds like he's this wholesome good-guy who does volunteer work and wears flannel, and like his girlfriend is just as peachy perfect, right?"

Helga nodded slowly, her brow furrowed.

"So I'm willing to bet that in the great scheme of things, his plan is to get a flashy degree, get a great job right out of college, marry this Pinterest dream girl, and squeeze out a couple cute babies. But! He thinks, 'Well while I'm miles away in college, I might as well enjoy my freedom. Meet up with some hot blonde, convince her I'm going to leave my Mary Sue back home. Get a little action on the side."

"That doesn't sound anything like him."

Sal shrugged, turning back to her book.

"I think it sounds exactly like him, but it's your funeral."

Helga tossed and turned that night wondering if the Arnold she once knew and the Arnold she had kissed just hours before were, in fact, completely different people.

Arnold couldn't sleep that night. A little after midnight he realized there was no point in lying in bed listening to the aggressive snoring of his roommate and snuck out into the warm, dry night to clear his head.

He found himself back at the garden where he'd run into Helga. In the soft yellow glow of the moon he sprawled out on the grass, breathing in its sweetness. He had the feeling that this place held a certain magic, that some power had been waiting in the tendrils of the ferns to bring him and Helga together.

The thought made his heart ache.

Lila had been good to him. For so many years she'd been patient and sweet and had not asked for much. She had helped him find his footing in a world that was constantly trying to throw him off balance, had helped him grow into the kind of person he could be proud to be. Lila was every guy's dream girl, but she had wasted her charms on Arnold for years. She could balance a checkbook and bake a perfect tarte tatin at the same time, all while making kale chips in the air fryer. She could sing the entirety of Song to the Moon in flawless Czech. She was truly perfect, and he had allowed himself to trail behind her on this dream of perfection that was never truly his, only because he loved her. He may not have been in love with her- his heart didn't quicken when he saw her- but he loved her in the very sad, sincere way that you love someone who has given you so much, and who you can never really repay.

He sighed and dialed her number. Her voice was thick with sleep on the other end of the phone.

"Arnold? Whatever is the matter? It's almost one in the morning…"

"Lila, do you think we're soulmates?"

"Why Arnold, I'm certain you know that I don't believe in that sort of thing. I think… I think that a relationship takes work, and if you care about the person you'll put in the effort. I don't think there's some higher power drawing us to one-another or keeping us together. I think we're together because we met and we each saw something in the other person that we liked. It seemed worth my time to be with you. I think you're worth the effort. Why do you ask? Is something wrong?"

Arnold felt a crushing weight on his chest. He couldn't hurt Lila. Not like this, anyway.

"Let's talk in the morning. You deserve some rest, baby. It's been a long couple of days."

"I love you, Arnold."

"You too, Lila."

Helga couldn't sleep. The full moon sat in her window, its light taunting her through the palm leaves. She rolled out of bed, pulled on a sweatshirt over her favorite plaid nightgown, and cast a glance at her roommate's face, illuminated in the glow of some cheesy Korean drama she was watching on her laptop.

"Ya heading out, Helga?"

"Yup."

She slipped on her birkenstocks and slammed the door behind her. This time, she knew exactly where she was going.

She found her way easily to the garden, the anger building in her chest as she neared it. She felt so betrayed by what was supposed to be a haven for her. This beautiful expanse of grass and desert foliage held a vendetta against her, she was sure of it. She did not get her heart broken by Arnold Shortman yet again by coincidence.

As she rounded the corner and walked through the aged stone archway, she noticed a figure silhouetted against the grass. Her heart was racing as she approached. In the pale moonlight she could make out a very distinctive head shape.

"Arnold?"

"Helga?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I just… came to think. To clear my head."

Her eyes narrowed.

"Oh, yeah? Think about what, Football Head?"

"About… a lot of stuff. Helga, do you believe in fate? In soulmates?"

Helga sat cross-legged on the grass next to him and rested her hands in the dewy grass behind her.

"Soulmates? That's a loaded question."

"I know. Answer it anyway?"

"Well Arnold, I have to. I just have to believe in something bigger than us. I don't think there's anything scarier than the idea that we're all just pointless bits of matter floating through space, bumping into each other at random. So yeah, I guess I do believe in fate, and in soulmates."

"Can I ask you an even more loaded question?"

"I'm not stopping you."

"Do you think we're soulmates, Helga?"

She took a deep breath. Helga was certain that if she closed her eyes right now, the very soul of her would float away like a balloon and no one would be able to get her back. Her heart had all but stopped beating.

"I don't know how to answer that, Arnold."

"But try, please?"

"I think that saying we're soulmates would be wishful thinking on my part. I think you're meant to be with someone who can fulfill all your perfect suburban yuppie dreams, and that's not me."

"That's not my dream, Helga. That's not what I want."

"What do you want me to say, Arnold? 'Yes, I'm your soulmate, puh-lease dump your amazing girlfriend and ride off into the sunset with me'? What do you want from me?"

"You sound angry."

"No, I'm just tired. I'm tired of loving you, Arnold. It's been a lifetime of heartache, if I have to be completely honest."

Arnold placed his hand on her knee, his palm warm against her bare skin. He had never felt as hopeless as he did in this moment.

"Helga, I want to be with you. I know it sounds crazy, I know we haven't seen each other in years… I want to be with you."

"Is that so? You're going to break up with Lila for me and we're going to live happily ever after? Is that it? Or are you going to tell me you want me, tell me you'll break up with her, get me into bed and then at the end of it all run back to Lila? Tell me you're not full of shit, Arnold. Look me in the eyes and tell me."

There it was, laid bare on the grass between them. This was how Helga really felt about him, he knew it. He felt sick to his stomach.

"Helga… I called Lila to break up with her before you got here."

"You… you did?"

"I did, but I couldn't do it."

"Fat lot of good that does me, Arnoldo."

"She was half asleep. I couldn't wake her up in the middle of the night and break her heart like that.I want to do it in the daylight, in person… or at least over FaceTime or something. But I know that I have to, not because of you, but because we want very different things in life and I think we've been over for a long time now. Please believe me."

"Okay, I believe you."

Arnold's heart fluttered and he grinned, leaning in to kiss Helga.

"But…"

"But?"

"But until you break up with her, no touchie."

The smile faded fast from Arnold's face. Helga laughed and pushed him away from her.

"Think you can live with that, Football Head? You and I are just friends until further notice. Capisce?"

"Any time spent with you is worth my while, Helga. Even just as friends."

The next day, Helga woke up with a smile on her face. When her nocturnal roommate rolled out of bed at noon, Helga was waiting for her with microwave omelets and hot tea.

"Gooooooooood morning, Sal!"

Sal squinted at Helga, yawning and scratching her head.

"What's your deal? Did you win the lottery or something?

"Are you going to eat this omelet or not? I made it myself."

"Thank God I have Martha Stewart rooming with me. Yeah, I'll take a nibble," The life came back into Sal's eyes as she chewed slowly, "Hey, where'd you go last night?"

"I went for a little walk, and I happened to run into your least favorite Football Head."

"Jesus… did you tell him off?"

"I did, and then-"

"AND THEN?"

"And then we agreed to be just friends until he breaks up with Lila."

"For the love…"

"He thinks we're soulmates, Sal."

"That's a line, Helga. And not even a very good one."

"You don't know him, Sal. He's a pretty good dude."

"Pass me the tea. I'm not going to fight you on this, I'm just saying. If I were you I'd tread very carefully. Maybe don't see him for a bit."

"Well we're meeting for lunch in an hour."

"That's… a bit. A teeny bit. It'll do. Go get dressed, Juliet. If you're expecting this guy to dump his dreamy girlfriend, you'd better slap on some concealer at the very least."

Lila was nestled in one of the plush armchairs by Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd's fireplace when she got the first call from Arnold that day. She immediately rejected it. The second time he called, she was at the mall trying on some shoes that she couldn't afford. She ignored it this time. The third time, she exasperatedly threw her phone across the room, where it bounced off of a faux fur pillow and landed, face-down, on Rhonda's retro-chic shag rug.

"Okay girls, I have to vent."

Rhonda, Nadine, Katrinka and Lila were all that was left of the old girl's crew of PS 118. After Helga had left, Phoebe mostly kept to herself, with the exception of her frequent rendezvous with Gerald. After graduating high school early, she went off to Yale at age 16. Sheena's parents had allowed her to transfer to a local performing arts school where she studied costuming and eventually started a Vlog with Eugene called "Raging Thespians". The remaining four were gathered around a bowl of guacamole for their final "girls day" before college classes started; Rhonda had been accepted to both the fashion merchandising and international affairs programs at the nearby university as a dual major, Nadine was going to the liberal arts college two towns over to pursue a degree in environmental science, Katrinka was planning on completing her generals at the community college and Lila was going to major in film studies with a French minor at the same school as Rhonda. Today was supposed to be their last day of idle gossip, junk food, and childishness before beginning their new, cool, adult lives. Unfortunately, Lila had more serious matters to discuss.

"Last night at one in the morning, I got a call from Arnold."

A resounding "oooooooooooh" came from the other girls before they collapsed into giggles. Lila waited for a hush to fall back across the room.

"Not that kind of call. He called me to ask if I think we're soulmates."

"And you said?" Katrinka goaded, waggling her eyebrow.

"Well, I said no. He knows I think that kind of thing is silly. I believe in love but I don't think that some higher power is sticking people together. I think relationships take effort and compromise."

"So romantic, Lila." Rhonda rolled her eyes and nudged Lila playfully.

"I mean, it does seem like he wanted a pretty specific answer from you, here…" Nadine shrugged, taking another chip.

Lila sighed and crossed the room to get her phone.

"There's more, you guys. He's been trying to FaceTime me all day."

"Maybe he just misses you?

"Yeah, I bet he just wants to see your pretty face!"

"I don't think so, ladies. I think… I think Arnold wants to break up with me. Why else would he call me in the middle of the night to ask if we're soulmates? I think he was hoping I'd say something to change his mind. Do you think he met someone new at college?"

"No!"

"Of course not!"

"Arnold's not the cheating type."

There was an awkward silence before Nadine grudgingly said what was on all of their minds.

"But if Arnold did meet someone, I bet he'd try to break up with you as soon as possible. He probably wouldn't want to be dishonest, and I'm willing to bet he'd want to do it face-to-face…"

"That's it, then!" Rhonda leapt to her feet, full of fire and determination. "You have to go down there and make him realize why you guys are the best couple ever!"

"Rhonda, you and I both know I don't have money to fly all the way down there, and with classes starting in three days, there's no time to drive."

"Nonsense. My parents never did give you a graduation present. In fact, we'll all go. It'll be a girls' trip! We could use some sun, anyway."

Three hours later, the girls were packed and waiting for their plane to board. Lila's phone started to ring just as their row was called- she immediately put it on airplane mode and handed the attendant her ticket.


	3. Chapter 3

Helga wore her favorite dress that day. It was white and loose, with an open back and pink lace trim. "Perfect for a hot day and a hot date," as her roommate had exclaimed as she'd ushered her out the door. Helga arrived exactly five minutes late at the dining center and spotted Arnold sitting outside. She marveled at the miracle of modern eyewear- he had found a pair of sunglasses that fit over his immense head. He saw her and waved, smiling as she sat down.

"Hey, wow, uh, hi, um- hi, Helga. You uh… you look, wow! Hi."

"Hey thanks, friend."

Helga grinned cheekily and plucked a fry from Arnold's plate.

"What've they got in there, anyway?"

"Today is luau theme… they have pineapple burgers and french fries with spicy barbecue sauce."

"Huh, well that's a choice. Is there at least a salad bar or something? I don't eat much meat."

"Oh, uh, yeah, knock yourself out."

Helga stood and walked towards the door. As he watched her walk away from him, Arnold was struck by the idea that there was so much of Helga that he hadn't seen yet. Clearly she had changed since their days at PS118, but at the core she seemed to be the same girl he'd held so dear to him when they were young. Still clever as a whip and full of fire, but softer, more… tired, maybe? He wasn't sure. It seemed as though something had worn her down over the years, or maybe beaten her down. His heart skipped a beat when he saw her return, and at that moment he knew that nothing would make him happier than to get to know her all over again.

"So Helga, tell me something."

"Anything specific you want to know, sir? I have tons of fun facts about bees."

"Nothing specific, just everything."

"Everything? I'm pretty smart, but I don't know everything."

"Everything about you. It's been seven years. I want to know everything."

"That's a tall order, Arnoldo. We could be here a while."

"I've got time."

Helga smiled, taking a bite of her salad.

"Well, my favorite color is still pink and I wrote a book of poetry. I have three mice back home named Morticia, Malala, and Marie. I still make a mean spitball and I have a scar on the inside of my left thigh shaped like the state of Delaware. That enough for ya?"

Arnold's eyes closed when he laughed and his nose got all scrunched up. The way he laughed was one of Helga's favorite things about him, and she couldn't wait to make him laugh again.

"Wait, so you wrote a whole book of poems? Is it published? Can I buy it?"

"Yeah, I won this 'Young Voices in Modern Literature' contest and one of the perks was getting published. I also got a full ride to the state school of my choice and a stipend of $5,000 a semester as long as I keep my GPA above a 3.75 and publish two more books in the next five years, so I'd say I got a pretty sweet deal out of the whole thing."

"Helga, what? You're kidding, right? That's amazing! You must be the best writer in the country! I can't believe I'm having lunch with a famous writer."

"Okay first of all, Arnoldo, I'm not the best writer in the whole country. I'm just the best writer between the ages of 16 and 22. Second of all, you're embarrassing me, quit foaming at the mouth. I'm not even famous."

Arnold laughed, collecting their now empty trays to take back inside. When he returned, Helga was kneeling on the ground admiring the Langman's sage. Her hair glowed golden in the sun and her face was flushed as she smelled the purple flowers. As he neared her, she looked up at him through her thick, dark lashes and smiled. Time stood still for Arnold in that moment. He took her hand and pulled her to her feet. Their faces were inches apart.

"Let's go for a walk, shall we?"

His voice was soft and low, and she found herself following after him even though she could not feel her legs. He was still holding her hand, leading her away from the crowd. They didn't walk for long; Arnold seemed to know just where he wanted to take her. Around the corner they came upon a large old fountain, carved from white stone. The basin was full of water and pennies, thousands of copper wishes glistening under the clear greenish-blue. They sat on the edge and put their feet in- warm, yet still refreshing on such a hot day. His arm found her waist easily, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. Being with Helga felt effortless to Arnold, like coming home after a long trip and lowering yourself into your favorite armchair. Being with her felt like where he was meant to be.

They spent the greater part of the afternoon talking and splashing, and soon the sun was drifting lazily towards the horizon. Helga's head was in Arnold's lap, the light of the gold and orange sunset weaving playfully between his tufts of hair. His thumb stroked the side of her face absently.

"Okay, why did you pick those names for your mice?"

"Three badass women. Do I get to ask you something now?"

"Yeah, sure."

"How did you find this fountain?"

"I got lost on my way back from seeing you last night. I thought it was pretty beautiful and I wanted to bring you here. My turn?"

Helga nodded.

"What's your dream?"

"Hmm… keep writing, I guess. Maybe win a Nobel prize. Probably get married, have a couple kids and a summer home on the beach. What's about you?"

"I want to get into politics. Not be president or anything, just work for the local government wherever I end up. Help make the world a better place, I guess."

"No wife and kids? No awards and accolades?"

"With the right person I'd love to get married and have some kids. I don't really care about awards and accolades. I guess I'll leave that part to you."

Helga felt her face flush.

"Have you by any chance- and not that it matters to me at all or anything- but have you broken up with Lila?"

"I've tried to call her like four times today, but no answer. I think she's having a girls' day."

Helga looked up into his eyes, her breath catching. She had always been very good about setting her limits, about doing things according to her own moral compass. She never considered herself to be the type of girl who would lose her head over a pair of pretty green eyes, and yet here she was. She sat upright, leaning so close to him that she could feel his breath on her face.

"Arnold, I'm not the kind of girl who fools around with guys in relationships."

"I know."

She felt her eyes flutter closed, their noses brushing clumsily.

"And I stick to that, you know. I'm strong."

"I know you are, Helga."

His hand was in her hair, her hands finding their way to the back of his neck.

"Last night was… probably a mistake."

"Hey Helga? Shut up and kiss me."

Helga silenced her conscience and closed the gap between them with gusto.

Every time Lila flew, the landing was her favorite part. When her stomach leapt into her chest and her petite frame left the seat for the briefest of seconds, it always reminded her of the Frog Hopper ride at the fair that she'd loved when she was a kid. One time, when she was eleven, she rode it so many times at the Cheese Festival that she threw up mid-air and they had to close down the ride for the rest of the day. This held true today as she and her friends sat with their seatbelts fastened and their trays in the upright and locked position. Despite the festering feeling of dread, she still smiled when she felt the wheels hit land.

Leaving the airport was an uneventful experience. There was no need to stop at baggage claim as each girl had packed only a small carry-on with a few bathing suits and breezy cover-ups, so they made their way outside quickly. They took a taxi to the hotel, all the other girls jabbering excitedly, taking selfies, pointing out the window at every palm tree they drove by. After settling into their room, Lila announced that she was going to find Arnold. The others, eager to make their way to the pool but feeling a sense of obligation to Lila, begrudgingly vowed to come with her.

Upon arriving at Arnold's dorm, Lila was startled by how unremarkable his roommate was. This was the land of sunshine and parties, so surely the occupants must be a bit more zesty, and yet here before her was the embodiment of absolute monotony.

"I'm ever-so sorry to bother you, but I'm here to see Arnold."

"Oh, uh, sorry, he's out with a friend."

"A friend?"

"Yeah, like Helen or something. He went down to the dining center to meet her for lunch but he's been gone for like eight hours or something."

Lila's eyes narrowed as she turned to her friends.

"He's cheating on me with someone named Helen? What is she, one of his professors or something?"

"Maybe she's a MILF dropping her kid off for welcome week."

"You're not helping, Rhonda."

"Well I'm sorry, Nadine, but I'd rather be honest with our poor, heartbroken Lila. If Arnold wants to fool around with middle aged women, so be it. We'll find her a new boyfriend."

"I don't want a new boyfriend. I want Arnold, and I'm going to find him."

Helga and Arnold walked hand in hand back towards the dorms, their faces flushed. The moon was full and high in the sky by the time they got back, the air warm and damp. While the night was still young, a hush had fallen across the campus, and the only sound was the symphony of cicadas. As they approached Arnold's building, his footsteps slowed.

"Helga, today was really fun."

"Yeah Arnoldo, I guess it was pretty great."

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he wound a strand of her hair around his finger.

"I don't really know what to say. I feel like there's so much on my mind-"

"Well you don't have to say it all at once. We'll see each other again."

"You've got a point there. But I feel like I should at least tell you that you make me happier than I've been in a long time. I really love y- spending time with you."

"I really love… spending time with you too."

Arnold smiled, knowing that while it was too soon to say those three words, he was truly in love for the first time. He drew her close, finding himself mesmerized by the deep blue of her eyes, but before their lips met he heard footsteps approaching them. He bit his lip, trying to look inconspicuous as he turned towards the passerby. He saw her shape, so slight and so familiar, nearing him in the moonlight. His heart froze and, despite the warm breeze that tickled his skin, his whole body felt cold.

"Lila?"

"Lila?"

"Arnold, I came all this way…"

"Lila, I've been wanting to talk to you about-"

"Arnold, I'm pregnant."


	4. Chapter 4

Helga was always a temperamental person. Anyone who knew her knew how easily she flew off the handle, how melodramatic she could be, how unreasonable. It stood to reason that if Helga said she'd never felt a pain like this, she was exaggerating. She knew all of this about herself, and yet she was certain that when she heard the words, "I'm pregnant" and felt Arnold's hand leave hers, it would go down as the worst moment of her young life thus far. She felt as though a hand, rough and calloused, had tightened around her heart. Her lungs struggled to find air, and her stomach threatened to empty of its contents.

Lila's face was pale in the silver moonglow, her eyes bright with tears and starlight. Helga tore her gaze from Lila and turned to look at Arnold. His mouth opened and closed soundlessly, as if he was hoping it would come up with words to say of its own volition. Eventually, he gave up and simply walked to Lila and held her, both of their bodies shaking as their sobs disrupted the still night. Unnoticed, Helga disappeared.

—

Arnold had never cried as hard as he did that night. By the time Lila freed herself from his crushing embrace and declared that she (and the baby) needed rest, he was certain that there wasn't a drop of moisture left in his body and that he would shrivel up and die and not have to deal with any of this. And yet, after locking himself in his room and settling into bed, he found that there were millions more tears waiting to be shed. By the time the pale pink sunrise engulfed the sky, he had gotten exactly 28 minutes of fitful sleep, had thoroughly drenched his pillow, and had opened his phone to call Helga and decided against it at least a half-dozen times. It was 8:03am when, hands shaking, he finally selected her name and held the phone to his ear. After a few rings, he heard an unfamiliar voice on the line.

"Helga Pataki's office, this is Sal, how may I direct your call?"

"Sal? Um… this is Arnold. Can I talk to Helga? I think I really need to talk to Helga."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Pataki is in a meeting. Can I take a message?"

"She's not in a meeting. Can I please talk to Helga?"

"Is that the message? You'd like me to tell her she's not in a meeting? Because you know her schedule better than her own secretary?"

"Look, if she won't talk to me, can you just tell her… I don't know. I don't know why I called, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do… Just tell her I want to see her. That's all I want. That's the only clear thought in my head right now, I just want to see Helga."

"Thank you for calling Pataki Industries, we will return your call within the next one million business days. Have a nice day, Alfred."

The line went silent. Arnold sighed, feeling restless and all too alone. He dialed the phone again, and this time he heard a friendly voice almost immediately.

"Hiya, Shortman! How's it going? You got a sunburn yet?"

"No, Grandpa, I'm wearing sunscreen when I go out. Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything but I can't promise I'll know the answer."

"Did you date much before Grandma?"

"Well sure, Arnold, I had a girlfriend before her. Her name was Betty, she was a real looker but pretty boring. Dated her for about a billion years before I realized Pookie was the one for me."

"What would you have done if she'd gotten pregnant? Would you have stayed with her? Would you have married her?"

"That's a big question, Shortman. Why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?"

"Lila showed up at my dorm last night. She says she's pregnant."

"Well that's wonderful news! Maybe a little soon but it was bound to happen eventually, right?"

"What if it wasn't? What if I was meant to be with someone else? What if Lila's my Betty?"

"Well that is a pickle, isn't it? What's your heart telling you?"

"It's telling me… that I want to be with Helga."

"Helga? Your ugly little friend with the one eyebrow? Where'd she come from?"

"She goes to school here. I really like her, Grandpa."

"Well Shortman, you've always had a good head on your shoulders. Follow your instincts. You're a good kid."

"You're right. I should do the right thing, even if it's not what I want to do. For the baby. Thanks, Grandpa!"

"Well that's not exactly what I-"

"Call you later, bye!"

—

The cab ride back to the hotel was tense and silent. Lila sat in the passenger's seat, staring blankly at the headlights flying by while the other girls exchanged concerned looks in the back. When they returned to their room and locked the door, Rhonda immediately threw her arms around Lila.

"Why didn't you tell us you were pregnant? We had no idea, Lila! Can you believe it? Our little Lila, pregnant and alone while that disgusting Arnold sneaks around behind her back with Helga Pataki. Honestly Lila, you must break up with him posthaste! Don't worry about finances, Lila, darling, my parents and I will ensure that you and the baby are very comfortable!"

"Rhonda, I'm not-"

Nadine's arms were around her next, and Katrinka's soon after. Lila almost couldn't breathe for the smell of coconut body butter and sunscreen.

"Not another word! You need your rest! We'll discuss it in the morning. Girls, let Lila have a bed to herself. One of you can sleep on the floor, no?"

As Nadine prepared a pile of blankets between the two beds and Rhonda and Katrinka began their ten-step skincare ritual, Lila's bottom lip began to quiver. Before step six she felt tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm… not… pregnant…"

The words barely made it out between her sniffles. The other girls froze.

"You're what?"

"I'm not pregnant! I saw him there with Helga and he's never looked at me like that and I didn't know what to do and he said he wanted to talk to me and I knew he was about to dump me when I flew all this way and I just… I just… I…"

She flung herself on the bed, her body shaking violently as she wailed into the itchy thin sheet. There was no sound save for her crying for what felt like hours. When she finally calmed down and looked up, she found three sets of eyes narrowed at her. Nadine was the first to break the silence.

"If you're not pregnant, I'm not sleeping on the floor."

All four girls collapsed into a fit of giggles on the bed. With Lila's head on her shoulder, Rhonda sighed.

"Well I wish you'd told us. Truly, it's despicable that he's cheating on you. If anything, he deserves the scare."

"I don't want to upset him, I just want him back. I'll do anything."

"I know you're mad, but I think Rhonda's wrong. Arnold's a good guy, I don't think he meant to hurt you. You should tell him the truth."

"Or…" Katrinka stood up and began pacing, twirling a strand of her thick, dark hair around her index finger like she always did when she was deep in thought, "Or we help Lila get him back. We keep up this pregnancy charade, make him remember why he fell in love with her in the first place, get rid of Helga, and save the day."

"I'm pretty sure he'll notice when there's no baby in nine months."

"No problem. Once he's safely back on Team Lila, she'll tell him it was a false alarm. She took the test wrong or something. By then, whatever gross feelings he has for Helga will be long gone, anyway."

"Alright ladies, let's get our beauty sleep. Operation Arnold starts tomorrow. We have three days to save Lila's relationship. Everyone on board?"

"I don't know, I still don't think this is a good idea-"

"Nadine, hush. We have three days to make this happen, let's not waste time arguing."

"I'm ever-so thankful to have such supportive friends."

Nadine tossed and turned all of that night, her mind racing to the chorus of the other girls' soft breathing.

—

Helga didn't sleep that night. Despite Sal's best efforts, Helga didn't smile that that night, either. In fact, Helga did nothing but collapse in a huddled mass from the moment she got home at night until her phone rang that morning. Her hand, still shaking, snaked out from the blanket Sal had half-heartedly draped her in and tilted the screen towards her. All she could do was groan when she saw who was calling her. Sal, who had fallen asleep on the couch hours before, heard this and immediately woke. She lunged for the phone before Helga could subject herself to further misery by answering.

"Helga Pataki's office, this is Sal, how may I direct your call? I'm sorry, Ms. Pataki is in a meeting. Can I take a message? Is that the message? You'd like me to tell her she's not in a meeting? Because you know her schedule better than her own secretary? Thank you for calling Pataki Industries, we will return your call within the next one million business days. Have a nice day, Alfred."

Helga peered up at her roommate and sighed.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I did if I want you to stop taking up all this space on the floor any time soon. I don't know what happened but you have to get this guy behind you, get him out of your mind. He's clearly a pig, don't waste your energy being sad about it."

"His girlfriend showed up while we were together last night, Sal. She says she's pregnant."

"Oh. Shit. What'd he say? What'd you do? Do you think she's telling the truth? Do you think they'll keep it?"

"He didn't say anything. He just like… hugged her and cried really hard."

"Do you think they were happy tears?"

"I don't know, Sal. I just want to disappear."

"I'm telling you, Helga, this guy was just meant to be a Welcome Week Fling. Put him behind you, the semester is young."

"It's not that easy, Sal. I've known him practically my whole life. We went to preschool together. I had a shrine to him in my closet. Did I not tell you any of this?"

"What? No! You told me pretty much nothing. A shrine? Start at the beginning, and don't skip any details, you creep."

—

Arnold met Lila for lunch that day at a local diner. After some strained smiles and a tight-lipped kiss, Arnold took Lila's hands.

"Lila, I want to be honest with you. I never want to lie to the mother of my child, okay? I was planning on breaking up with you, but all things considered… well, I think we should get married. I'll move back home and get a job so you and the baby can be taken care of. What do you say?"

"Is this a proposal, Arnold? Because it's not a very good one."

Lila wished she could ignore the way his eyes lit up when he asked her eagerly, "So is that a no? You don't want to get married?"

"Arnold, I would love to marry you. I love you. I understand that you may have gotten… distracted… but I know that in your heart of hearts, you love me, too. I think if you spend some time searching your feelings, you'll realize how much you care for me."

"I really don't think so, Lila. That's not really the point, though… It doesn't matter how I feel. I'll do whatever I have to do for our baby. I don't want you to have to deal with this on your own-"

Lila stood up, throwing her napkin on the table and collecting her purse.

"I don't need your pity Arnold. I don't need to be taken care of."

"Lila, don't go! Let's talk, please. Please. We'll figure it out."

"No, Arnold. Call me when you're ready to be an adult about this."

Outside of the restaurant, Lila took out her phone and called Rhonda.

"I'm all done."

"You stormed out of there like we talked about?"

"Yes. I felt pretty bad about it…"

"Don't. It'll drive him crazy and he'll realize how much he needs you. Trust me, it's practically foolproof. Now get back to the hotel, we'll be waiting for you by the pool."

—

That afternoon, Nadine announced that she wanted to take advantage of their time there and explore the desert in search of native insects. As this didn't pique the interest of any of the other girls, she set off on her own and promised to return before dark.

She made her way to campus and back to Arnold's dorm. The door opened to a very bewildered Arnold.

"Hey Arnold, take me for a walk."

Once they were a little ways down the road, Nadine stopped and led him to a nearby bench in the shade of a palo verde tree.

"How've you been, Arnold? I mean, all things considered."

"Confused. Hurt. Confused. Kinda hungry."

She pulled a granola bar from her purse and handed it to him.

"That's one problem down. What are you confused about?"

"I just don't know what to do, Nadine. I want to be a good dad but the truth is that I'm just not in love with Lila. I don't want to be with her but I don't think I can have it both ways."

"Is there someone you do want to be with?"

"You probably know the answer to that. Lila probably already told you who she saw me with last night."

"She did, but I'd like to hear you say it."

"Helga. It's always been Helga."

"So what's stopping you?"

"I can't just do what makes me happy. I have to think of Lila and the baby."

Nadine didn't respond for a while. When she finally did, it was very slowly and carefully.

"Don't let Helga get away from you. Don't give up on your dreams. Whatever future kids you may have deserve to be raised by a happy father, not a resentful one."

"I wouldn't resent Lila."

"You would. Trust me, you really would. Go talk to Helga. Tell her how you feel about her."

"She won't talk to me. She probably hates me by now."

"All the more reason to go to her. The sooner the better. Isn't that her building right over there?"

Nadine smiled and stood, resting a hand on Arnold's shoulder.

"I know you'll do the right thing, Arnold. You always do."


End file.
